- Location: Wherever there's masked masculine insecurity
- Appearance: Short hair, but usually wearing a winter cap. Dark circles under his eyes and often wears a beater undershirt with nothing over it. Seems to be in his early 40s.
- Distinguishing Characteristic: The words 'dude, man,' or 'bro' account for 50% of his vocabulary.
One evening, I was enjoying my dinner just as any other day when a middle aged man who looked like he hadn't slept in a few weeks sat down, looked over to me and said, "Hey my dude, man!" I stopped mid chew. He continues, "Bro, man, you know, dude, whats going on tonight, man?" I paused. This was a strange man I did not know who just appeared at the hostel table, and, from what I gathered, was trying to make himself sound cool and young. Naturally, I suspected he was going through a mid-life crisis.
"Hey, yeah, I'm not really sure if I'm going out. I'm kinda tired," I replied while trying to hide the coffee I was currently half way through drinking. "But I think those guys over there might be going somewhere soon." I pointed to a random group of people, and thankfully, he fell for the bait and walked over."
"Hey my dude, man, bro. I heard, man, that you're clubbing tonight, man. Where ya going dude?" Not sure whether I should laugh of lose my faith in humanity, I listened in, as this guy proceeded to start showing this new group all the girls he recently matched with on Tinder, while always mentioning to say how they were just 19 or 20 (keep in mind this guy is in his 40s). I took a deep breath. This should all pass by in a day or two...
And even after this character left three weeks later, there were others who followed. Many others. All guys trying to be hyper masculine, showing off Tinder matches in an attempt to hide insecurity, while constantly relying on the three golden words, 'dude', 'man,' and 'bro.'
Along time ago in a remote, undisclosed location lived a man who, at first sight, seemed completely standard. On the surface, he had an open and outgoing personality, and his vocabulary was fairly limited (seeing as there were just a couple words he repeater non-stop throughout any conversation). But there was something different about this man. Something very different, for he was a shapeshifter who had mastered the art of traveling through time and space. He could be anywhere at any time. In fact, you may have even seen him at some point.
But even though he could change location and appearance whenever he wanted, there were some things he could not change: his personality and his overbearing desire to prove himself. If you saw him, you may have noticed this. He was the guy who was always talking to other guys about the girls he was after, bragging about his abilities, and constantly looking for masculine reassurance by saying 'dude', 'man', and 'bro' as much as humanly possibly.
His origins remain a mystery. Some say he is a product of modern society. Others say he has been around since the dawn of time. No one really knows, but one thing is for sure. Whenever there is an insecure group of boys pretending to be masters at getting girls, he will be there. Whenever there are middle aged men trying to act young and hip, he will be there. And whenever language is lacking vocabulary, he will be there.