Yule Tide Hallucinations

For most of us, the winter holidays mean stress, debt, obnoxious music in stores, tacky decorations, and a grotesque frenzy of consumerism. All the while, we try to hide our sorrow and displeasure behind an outward facade of seeming ‘jolly’ in an attempt to conform to societal pressures. It kind of makes you wonder, why do we do all this? Why do we put overly priced gifts under a severed pine tree while hanging large socks over fires, as we tell children stories of flying deer and an old fat man breaking and entering into everyone’s house… and somehow tie it in with the birth of Jesus (which according to historical records probably occurred in the Spring)? Well, turns out we took old traditions from Finnish pagans and completely ruined them by inserting Western monotheism and excessive consumption. Therefore, we at Globalhobos advocate bringing the holiday back to its roots. Now let me explain.

Back before Christianity reached Nordic lands, pagans in what is now Finland and Russia’s Karelia region celebrated the winter solstice by eating amanita muscaria mushrooms and going into a transcendent hallucinogenic state with one another. These mushrooms did not grow just anywhere, but would actually sprout up under pine trees (much more interesting than the gifts we put under them), and in order to be consumed, they would be hung over the fire in a cloth stocking. Next, the ceremony would be administered by a shaman, who, according to stereotypes, would be an old man with a long white beard. And no, this one would not be eating milk and cookies.

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Therefore, instead of grotesque material commercialization, whiny carols, spoiled eggnog, and attempting to tolerate people you don’t want to see, this celebration would entail a many hour exploration into the subconscious to see what the next year has in store for you and your community. Sounds a bit more exciting, right? That just leaves one last bit, the flying reindeer. Well, reindeer are a native species to northern Finland, and although they tend to stay on the ground, who knows what they’ll be doing once you’re tripping balls. Blasting off into space perhaps?

Imagine if this was how we spend our Christmas, or New Years (Новый год for my Russian fans). Instead of watching boring television with relatives, we could be going on a wild ride with them into the net dimensions. At the very least, it would make for a much more interesting dinner conversation afterwards. Plus, you’d be celebrating the earth and the cycles of nature, instead of ruining it by buying plastic goods that will eventually end up in the ocean and choke a porpoise. Take back this holiday! Return to nature and abandon pointless material goods, all while having the trip of a lifetime (pun intended). Make this year a literal new beginning.*

*Disclaimer: legally, we here cannot technically advocate this due to the fact certain federal laws exist. So, let’s just call it food for thought.