Starbucks: The Destroyer of All Things Sacred

This one's personal.


I like coffee. More accurately, I need coffee. It is my life blood, my warm blanket on a cold night, my comfort in times of difficulty, my kind friend in times of sorrow, and my shining light when all other lights have gone out. Basically, what I'm trying to say here is that I have a severe caffeine addiction (medical help is being sought), and if you've read any of my previous stories or posts, you'll see that I drink it like a fish drinks water. (I assume they drink it a lot since they always seem to be living in it). I cannot begin my day without it, and I have been known to carry around packets of instant coffee in my pockets for whenever I need a pick-me-up. Coffee shops are even my go-to place when I take a girl on a first date. Coffee is very important and special to me... Therefore, I thoroughly despise Starbucks.

Back when I lived in New York, there were three really nice mom-and-pop coffee shops on my block that each served uniquely delicious cups that helped me function as a normal human being. I considered them all to be second homes, therefore I was devastated when all three were shut down within a year to make way for the evil science experiment from Seattle known as Starbucks. This terrible trend isn't just happening in New York. I've found these demon factories across Europe and even on the block where I lived in Moscow. It spreading like the Bubonic Plague, infecting every manifestation of human civilization.

I particularly despise this fact because when I travel, one of the first things I like to do is check out the coffee of my new location in order to get a feel for the place, but Starbucks in all of its evil machinations keep coming in and flattening all the unique little places that once stood for generations in order to make way for its quest for world domination. Nowhere is safe. All that was once good and pure is now being defiled. It's an affront to culture and unique creativity.

Yet, with all that considered, I would have some understanding if their coffee was any good, but in that regard, I cannot even attempt a joke. It's like they took old, stale, burnt water and let it sit in a pot for weeks before injecting it with caffeine and black-dye food coloring. Then they make these Frankenstein concoctions like a quadruple mocha-vanilla-backwash-pumpkin spice frappacuino. AND THEY CHARGE SO MUCH MONEY FOR IT!

Well, anyway, as much as I'd like to continue this tirade, I'll instead showcase some images from my stories that show me drinking coffee that isn't from Starbucks. Please enjoy.